Pebbles Roll Downhill
by lyssipe
Summary: The universe conspires to remind Senju Tsunade that she has a great-grand nephew in Konoha. She's rather be pickling her liver, amassing mountains of debt to Yakuza, and avoiding blood, shinobi, Konoha and responsibility, but somehow she finds herself drawn into Uzumaki Naruto's orbit. He is not adorable to make up for this. Although, he is pretty adorable.
1. Chapter 1

There was no single moment that made Senju Tsunade, slug princess of Konoha's Densetsu noh Sannin decide stop drowning her past in the cheapest sake and most expensive games she could find. Similarly, there was no great gambling win to presage coming horror, just a confusing steady stream of small wins in reasonable amounts.

The first time, she won a sum of 7 ryu at slots, after playing three hours straight and never losing or winning more than 200 ryu at a time.

"Shizune, I don't know what this is, but we're leaving."

"Of course, Tsunade—sama. I'll repack our bags."

On their way out of town, the setting sun reflects off a child closing a fence gate to get home, and dyes the child's hair nright red.

" _Tsuna—chan my kinswoman will be coming from Uzushiogakure today. Konoha will be new and strange to her, so she will need an guide, and we are her only family here." Tsunade raised her head from obaa-san's fuuinjutsu scrolls and her own notes on storing chakra._

" _I need all my caring to look after Nawaki—kun and the dumb boys on my team. I have none left." Tsunade at nineteen was too busy with the fuuinjutsu project and deliberately infuriating her sensei at the hospital by proving they knew less than they thought. She didn't have time for new people. Besides, she needed to look after her newly—jounin teammates on the battlefields what would soon be recognized as the Second Great Ninja War._

" _When I was new to the Senju clan, Tobirama guided me about as my new brother, so that I was not alone but for the stranger I was to marry. When we created the Hiraishin together, it was in some form proof to the clan that I was more than a symbol of alliance, more than a marriage pawn. It was proof that I was valued and valuable, that my skills, the skills of my clan were a meaningful addition to the famous Senju. I will always love your grandfather, but when we first met, he was too awkward about the arrangement to see my loneliness and isolation. Your Uncle Tobi made me Senju in a way that a ceremony could not. My kinswoman, a child is come from all she knows to serve Konohagakure, which she has never seen. You will support her." The old woman's tone was folded steel._

" _Hai, Mito—baa—sama." Tsunade gave a formal obeisance._

 _A tiny girl approaches the Konoha's great entrance. A team of shinobi, wearing Uzu hitai-ate, pass papers over to the gate—guards. When the gate guards stamp approval, the girl is walked through the gates, then the honor guard blur away leaving her hunched and awkward, chin defiant through a curtain of Uzumaki red hair._

 _Mito—baa pokes Tsunade hard in the side. She glares, then softens her expression, turning to her new cousin._

" _Kushina—san?" Tsunade remembered being patronized to and hating it at that age. She wouldn't call the kid "kushina–chan."_

" _Hai! I'm Uzumaki Kushina –tebbane! Her cheeks flushed, "I mean, I'm Uzumaki Kushina full stop."_

 _Well, if cousins decided to be this cute, maybe she wouldn't be such a pain. "Heh, I'm Tsunade, and this is my obaa—sama, Senju Mito, who was Uzumaki Mito before—"_

" _I know who the honorable Mito—sama is! Her fuuinjutsu breakthroughs are still celebrated!"_

" _Great, then. You'll be staying with her, so you're with family. If you need anyone to show you around, come find me. And if anyone gives you trouble, come find me."_

The next time she played poker until the clubs closed shouting demands that they stay open, and lost a sum of 53 ryu.

"Shizune, we're leaving."

"We need to return the loan to the Yakuza who made it, since we have the money." _For once,_ went unsaid.

"No, we need to leave. This is new and I don't like it." She needed a drink. Action matched thought. Sake cup slammed down. Refill. Stop thinking. That was the procedure and she had perfected it. So why couldn't she stop thinking?

"Shishou, we already paid for the inn tonight. Let's leave in the morning." Tonton snorted agreement, then slumped exuding tiredness."

"It is morning."

"From the wrong side. Let's find our beds."

Tsunade finished her bottle in one gulp, then let herself be led away.

A bakery was just opening, and a little girl opened the gate, wearing black.

 _The only thing Tsunade could feel through the numbness of Nawaki's funeral was Kushi-chan crushing her hand with recently-kyuubi enhanced strength. When Nawaki's jounin sensei came to offer his condolences, Tsunade would have snarled at him, but Kushina snapped first,_

" _You don't get to just show up like anyone else! It was your job to take care of him—ttebane! You had to teach him to protect himself or teach his teammates to do it for him! How dare you show up here with three dead gennin! You should have died protecting him!" Kushina didn't even flush at verbal tick, and her hair split into nine parts._

 _He flinched and loomed over her. "what would a gaki like you know about war and war losses?! You don't even look old enough for academy! Wait until war falls on your weak self with its death and ruin."_

" _What did you just say to my niece?"_

" _I said that she'd be useless cannon fodder on a warfront, and die even more quickly than-"_

 _Thirty seconds later, he was unconscious in a crater made of his own body. IT would have been quicker but Tsunuade respected the dead and_ shunshinned _him out of the cemetery._

" _Tsunade—ba? You need to come back from this deployment, okay? You promised to teach me bakijutsu. I had my first day of Academy, and they called me tomato-hair, and you need to come back and teach me to do bunshins cuz they're hard, and everyone laughs at me and I really need you, okay."  
Chuckling, Tsunade ruffled the offensive hair. "That's my grandmother's and your clan's hair they're mocking. It's great hair. I wish I had that instead of my weirdo dishwater blonde. And I'll be fine. I have Orochi—kun and Raiya—baka to watch my back."  
"Still, I'll worry, and my grades will get worse and I won't make any friends and I don't know what I'd do if you die like Nawaki and I don't have any family to watch me become the first woman Hokage and- and-"  
"Alright gaki, I'll send you regular letters with Katsuyu. And I want replies from you, too. Sometimes the fronts are pretty boring."_

" _No problem, I'll make up the best pranks, just so I can tell you about them and you can amuse all the other shinobi!"_

 _Dear kami, what have I unleashed?_

The third time, Tsunade won 20 ryo exactly each night for three nights straight. By this time she was almost resigned. Then, She barged in on her room while it was being cleaned. The maid looked tired, so Tsunade casually touched her elbow and ran a diagnostic.

"Congratulations. I'd offer you sake, but…"

"I'm sorry? I can't accept gifts from guests, but I'd make an exception for sake that good."

"No. Bad for the fetus. I'll drink it myself on your behalf."

"Fet—oh! Oh! I'm going to be a mother! I'm going to be a mother! I'll be a kaa-san! Michi-kun will be so excited! I'm going to be a kaa-chan!"

" _Tsunade—oba—chan,_

 _I'm sorry to be writing to you, when you want to avoid all reminders of_ _home_ _Konoha, but I need to tell you. I'm pregnant! You're going to be a great grand aunt! When the iryo-nin confirmed it, I jumped up and down. Minato and I spent nearly half an hour repeating variants of "we're going to be parents," "I'm going to be a kaa-san/tou-san," and "We're going to have a child!" Mina-kun mocks me, but I'm sure the baby will be a boy. We're going to name him after Naruto from Jiraiya's book, and Mina insists on making the lecher godfather. I only agreed because I know you love him (as a teammate, you can't hit me through paper anyway), and I trust him by your proxy. Still send me advice? I don't know who the best midwife is, or how to be a kaa-chan. You were my nee-chan sort of for a long time and did a brilliant job. Give me advice, I beg, I prostrate myself._

 _All loves,_

 _Your favorite relative, the great Uumaki Kushina_

Huh. Maybe I should check on the brat. I'm sure Sensei and Jiraiya are on top of things, but well, I'll just check. Jiraiya has an information broker in Edo. They have good gambling. I'll just wander that way. If I run into him, well…


	2. Chapter 2

A drunk stunner and a lecher walk into a bar. He stares into the depths of her cleavage with a stupid grin. She socks him in the head. He makes an aborted, half-hearted attempt to escape, then grins. The routine is calming. Tsunade-hime seeking him out is not routine. Or calming. When she puts a privacy seal quietly on their table as soon as the sake comes, he is even less calm.

He had dreams like this sometimes, but since she was wearing clothes and the bar smelled like some lightweight's vomit, this was probably happening. Young Shizune-chan trailed behind Tsunade. She was good people, not looking for glory or recognition, just making order around herself. Jiraiya preferred chaos and drama of course, but still... Maybe his next book should be about a quietly competent and ordered kunoichi who discovered a terrible secret, was attacked and saved by a missing-nin who was an enemy of her attackers. Then, he would teach her to lighten up and enjoy chaos, save her life a few times, and she would vacillate about involvement with a traitor to another village, and recruit him to her own. Hmm... Of course the sex would start as lust and survival but when they finally culminated their love the night before they confronted the corrupt daimyo of his home country—

"-ow! What the hell, Tsunade?"

"you were being perverse."

"I'm always perverse. After all, I am Gallant Jiraiya, the super pervert-" he started the handseals for kuchiyose and she hit him again.

"Do not embarrass yourself with that ridiculous dance here."

"Don't you know? All my shame has gone the way of the Sage."

"You mean dead like the sage of six paths or useless and distracting like your sage self?"

"I distract you, Hime?" He waggled his eyebrows.

"From the point, dobe."

"I'll only show you my point if you ask nicely, no-boobs. Actually any time you let me know you're interested. I'd cross continents." He winked erasing the emotional honesty he'd accidentally revealed and she socked him. Lightly

Somehow the insults of their childhood had become a comfortably worn road, a reminder that no matter how they had changed and grown, they had touchstones in each other. That one time Tsuna-chan had punched him for calling her flat-chested, and he'd kawarimi'ed with Oro-teme so he took the punch, that had been the first time he kawarimi'ed an person against their struggles. Sarutobi—sensei had been so proud. Then, Oro, the jerk grabbed him with his tongue so he couldn't escape and he and Tsuna covered him with glitter right before his latest attempt to get that Nara girl a year older to go out with him, the one with the great legs, who died defending the Konoha emplacement in Kumo in the second war, what was her name? He still remembered that triumphant smirk she'd shared with Oro before she fixed the ribs she'd cracked it had been one of the few times the teme had actually enjoyed himself with them and it had totally been worth the ruined date even if he would never have admitted it… this was why she avoided him, he knew. He could see the flashes of wistful memory then pain before she smoothed her face into its impassively grumpy mask. Another person might not have seen them, but Jiraiya knew her better than anyone (alive) except Shizune and maybe sensei, and he knew he was all mixed up with her mental anquish. Ooh, "mental anguish" good phrase for a book, it would keep him just cliché and poorly written enough to escape real attention and only accrue scorn from people who might underestimate him.

Tsunade wrenched him to the conversation, "I'm here about the kid."

"We haven't—I mean you don't—has Orochimaro used weird iryo-jutsu to make a mini—us? Is he doing creepy things with our DNA?"

"Thank you for that nightmare, no. It was bad enough what Sensei let me know he did with jiji—sama's mokuton. Idiot, I'm talking about my nephew, your godson, am I ringing any bells here?"

"Wait he told you about that?! It was kept S-ranked."

"He needed information on mokuton techniques and making them work for the survivor. Focus 'Raiya, the Uzumaki—Namikaze kid."

"Naruto—kun, yes. His seal is fine."

"I still don't believe they named him after your book, but I didn't want to know about his seal. I know how good Mina-kun and Kushi-chan were at fuuinjutsu and I was sensei got me to look over a copy he sent me. The thing was brilliant. No, I want to know how he is; what he's like, that sort of thing."

"Well, hmm…" Jiraiya put on the exaggerated thinking face that always annoyed her. He could find out how serious she was. Besides she was so beautiful when her cheeks flushed with repressed rage, and her eyes flashed at him.

"Jiraiya." No punch, her fists clenched beneath the table. This really mattered, then.

"Sensei writes that he's healthy, and he loves ramen like his kaa—san. He's not doing too good in civilian school, but he really wants to be a ninja, and it's probably hyperactive Uzumaki genes keeping him distracted. He'll settle down when he has a team. The AnBu watch reports significant reduction in assassination attempts this last year, so some of the hostility is clearing up." Tsunade choked on her sake.

"Oh and the toad I've got watching him says he's just like me and chasing after a girl. He'll grow up to be so galla—"

"Go back to the assassination thing." Her voice was hoarse. "And what do you mean Sensei writes, and your toad says? Haven't you seen him?"

"Oh, everyone knows he's the Jinchuuriki because we needed to let other countries know we still had a weapon after that October, so and we couldn't keep his identity out of it. So every once in a while some idiot who's pissed about the fox tries to hurt the kid, and the AnBu take care of it. They're more rash civilian idiocies than planned things, no big deal. But if I visit him, people might figure out the Minato thing, an then he'd have more people trying to kill him. Can't do it. "

"It sounds like a big deal. Any time people are trying to kill a six-year old, it's a big friggin' deal. And that's only public visiting. You're making dumb excuses again." Aw that was the same rebellious pouty face little Tsuna-chan had when Sensei told her to wait for them to catch up before water—walking.

"Anyway sensei looks out for him, 'cause I gotta be researching-"

"Just say running an information network, it's so much less humiliating for Konoha."

"—and see my luscious fans—"

"That's code, because he's an idiot, for being seen all over the place as a strong Konoha presence," Tsunade explained to Shizune's horrified face, then she turned to Jiraiya.

"You're trying to tell me you've never been to see him? And he has people in the village who want him dead? What kind of godfather are you?"

"Apparently the same kind of ba—san you are."

Jiraiya regretted it the moment it came out of his mouth. Hurriedly, he added, "Look, I'll copy all the stuff sensei sent me on the kid, okay?"

Tsunade opened her mouth, and Shizune slapped a hand over it. She bowed to him, "We are greatful for your generosity and assistance Jiraiya—sama."

He was definitely writing his next book about her. He would call it, "Icha Icha Paradise"


End file.
